Every once in a while, I get an attack of ‘when is it my turn?’

You know, when youre growing up and as you get closer and closer to graduation people ask you, what will you be when you grow up. As a preteen I wanted to be a teacher. As I got older and more into the academics, I wanted to be a cop. Not just a policeman, but I wanted to be a Virginia state trooper. I geared everything in my education towards it. I didn’t get into much trouble, and I knew a lot of the law most teens didn’t. I kept my nose clean, sometimes at the expense of my friends, and was headed to any number of colleges, only to be sidetracked by a billowing horny as hell phase. Horniness runs in my family, and my mom didn’t take well to me asking for birth control. To me it seemed the perfect thing, I was being responsible, I always heard my parents saying take responsibility for your actions. It was a serious mantra with them. So every time I asked for birth control, whether it was rubbers or the pill, my mother would go slap off on me. You don’t need to be having sex, shed say. And that was that. And I didn’t dream of going to my dad. (Although, looking back, I imagine that had I gone to dad, he would have been ok with my being on the pill.)  I had numerous run ins with the ‘rents about partying with dudes, and I would seek a weak moment with my mother and insert birth control, and she always gave me the same answer, you just need to stop having sex, and that was that; again. I remember 4 separate occasions that I asked and was told the same thing. The final occasion was after I had a forced abortion. I had found out I was pregnant and only 16. without getting into all those details, ill skip to afterward. As we rode home, I asked her one final time, NOW can I get on the pill?

*pause for effect*

No, you just need to stop having sex.

And that, was that.

A year later I would hide another pregnancy from her and 14 months later would marry the father to my 2 oldest girls. I hid my pregnancy until I was past the 4 month mark, knowing that she couldn’t make me have another abortion.

And since that point, boys and girls, I feel like my life has almost never been my own to live. I housewifed it until both the girls went to school. Then I got permission from my then husband to go back to school. But I went for nursing, not justice. The day I walked in to DSLCC, the woman looked at my entrance exams and said so let me guess, justice? And I, for a split second, hesitated and then said, no, nursing. One huge time I didn’t follow my gut. I had had a conversation with don the night before and he said he wanted me to make money, not be killed; and that I would do nursing. It wasn’t a choice, it was an edict.  Money was the driving factor here.

I did what I could and after a few years, and much bullshit behind me, I finally gave up nursing for a career (ha) with the phone company. Later when I would leave that husband, I moved in many different directions at once. Working as a cook, a night auditor, a courier, a mystery shopper, santa’s elf, a customer service agent. I finally settled into a job I liked, that kept me busy and made me money. I gave that one up to move to the beach with my now husband. We made a pact, id raise his kids as my own, and hed take care of me. I kept up my end, and for a long time I felt as though he didn’t keep up his. The jury’s still out on that.

Last year ended my-raising-them-as-my-own. I grappled with kents demons and my own, and basically made it known that I was done with being their mother. After all they had a mother and a father and I felt as though neither one was doing enough for them.

And this year, a few months ago; with kents blessing: I quit my job. The at home job that I touted to so many as a great thing. It was killing me. I found myself feeling trapped, trapped in the house, trapped to a desk, trapped in that I was consumed with work, whether or not I was working enough. And I hated the actual job.

I have tried since to find another job, only half heartedly. Right now, this minute, I would like someone to take care of me. I have spent all my adult life, taking care of everyone. And when I had problems, no matter what the cause, I always had to figure it out. And now, with depression and other shit weighing down on me, I feel as though people I felt I could count on for moral support in the past are standing over me, kicking me. It’s made me question everyones loyalty in my life, with the exception of a very select few.

And the same people who offer no advice or even a shoulder to lean on, seem to think they are entitled to an opinion of how I live my life.

I feel like I need to buy a one way ticket to somewhere ive never been before and start all over. It seems easier than fixing the mess that is here. Im sure its not easier, but im tired of fixing shit. Everytime I fix everything, someone else comes along and screws it up.

Know how I said a while back that I based my actions on what other people advised me were the rules, and then found out that those people had no clue? We’ve had more of the same. I cant get simple answers from people in charge about what is happening. I get a different answer from each HAIC(head asshole in charge). Everyone tells me something different and none of them are accountable in any way, not to me, not to each other. So I have gone into defensive mode. I don’t want a damn soul knowing what I am up to, because at this time I feel I can trust no one. and no, I cant be trusted either. I am a survivalist, at heart. I will do what I have to, to survive. Which includes mowing you down to protect the ones I love. And that’s a short list. At this point, connie is it. Shes the one person I owe protection to. I don’t want her growing up thinking we are dirt poor when were not, and vice versa. I don’t want her lacking in anything that I am perfectly able to provide for her.

I look at my husband and wonder how he made it this far on his own, only to realize that hes not made it on his own, he depended heavily on me, Christy, Ruth, various girlfriends, and his mother. He wont admit that, but it’s a huge factor for him; for without strong women holding him up, he’d be nothing.

Now on to me. Having been raised by a strong woman, and a strong man, I’m now examining how I attract these weakass men. Maybe its that opposites attract thing. Probably doesn’t matter, in reality. Im not going anywhere, but I don’t need a physically present male in my atmosphere to guide me.

I called today, while I was waiting for connie in her food study thing, the sheriffs department to inquire about the requirements for deputy applications. Of course, I would need to seriously beef up my physique, which will take years, im sure. I knew that without asking. But I was asking about the background requirement. Because the application states that you cannot have been arrested or charged with any crimes. Even if found not guilty, you cant be even charged, even if it was dismissed. I was inquiring about that part of it. I was told that under no circumstances would I even be remotely considered for a position anywhere in the state having been charged with grand larceny.  Doesn’t matter that I grand larcenied my own damned stuff out of my own damned home. No how, no way. Not even if I petitioned the court over it? Nope, she said. She said, if you know you have been charged and you fill out the application, youd simply be wasting your time, and the state’s.

Gee thanks. I cant even be a lowly ****ing bailiff. And that is all I ever wanted, to be a cop. I can go flip burgers and drop fries, and feed a cop, and I can feel free to turn in criminals all I want, but I cant be a cop. Simply because I did what I was told was within my rights as a citizen. I entered the house that was in my name and removed stuff I bought with my own damned money.

It was a blow I wasn’t ready to receive. I feel very lost, and very small, and very very alone. And since having my sisters kid tell me that im always pissed off about something, I have felt the need to defend what I do, online. I am a fairly peaceful happy person. I don’t bother people, I am opinionated, but im not in your face with it. I grow my plants, and I watch my birds, and I like to be outside, and at the beach, and I keep to myself. I make it a point to find something to laugh out loud about daily. I cheerlead for my friends and neighbors, trying to make people feel good when theyre around me. I ignore my family, because they didn’t want me around them, they made the choice to ignore me and I dealt with it. But now that they nose around in my webpages, and read my rants, which are mislabeled as blogs, but rants is really what they are; they suddenly realize that all the while I stood around at sharons smiling and being complacent, that I was really a ticking time bomb. Maybe theyre afraid it is directed at them.

A lot of my anger is inherent in being a mother to 2 very strong willed intelligent women. A lot of my anger is inherent in being a former victim of mental, physical and verbal abuse. A lot of my anger is inherent in being a loving giving naïve person, too. Add all those together and maybe just maybe youll see, that it all adds up to be me.

And me, is all I want to be. Just me.