kent is a bitch and a half today, but im trying to overlook it. he doesnt know it yet, but we are meeting crusty to get his kids, probably about 6 or so. they havent even crossed into NC as i write this. kent is out on the bike, probably lusting after someone smoking and dying to bum one. not sure exactly how long its been since he had one, does it matter really? honestly i dont believe he can quit, he has demons he needs to face properly before he can put them down. but i would love to have him surprise me. 

he has been hell bent at times today, i can live through the withdrawals, im not sure connie can. ive repeated many times to her that she needs to just stay out of his way for a few days, until he gets past it all.  he did say out loud earlier, that he picked one hell of a time to quit with the stress levels being so high anyway. i backed up and reminded myself to keep my mouth shut, because i can make it through this BS without a smoke, so can he.

my neighbor took me grocery shopping this morning, and while i was being conservative and only put about $30 worth in the buggy she demanded i take to collect, while she collected her own items in her own; once i met back up with her she had collected more food for my house than hers! i thanked her profusely, she even came back later with a big jar of farm-made apple butter from the market down the road, and a 50# bag of dog food for onyx. onyx was actually fine, for a few more weeks, but nonetheless, we are grateful. and as i spoke to crusty last night about our plans without kent, i asked her to send what she could grocerywise with the kids. so secretly i was glad robin appeared at my door this morning, because im not sure how much stuff crusty will actually send with the kids. now shes telling me were going to go into the wally at emporia and shell get stuff then. which actually might be a blessing, cause at this point, im thinking she needs to send more toiletries than anything. my cabinets and freezer are stocked for a few weeks, but knowing the SD likes to pour out my stuff in the shower when left unattended, id prefer she have her own shampoo and stuff. i learned at yule that i must remove my stuff from the shower, lest it feel her vengeance against me!  i certainly cant afford to replace what little luxuries i afford myself.  and shes too grown for me to have to watch her in the shower. 

i cant wait to hit the road with kent either, believe it or not. because he has no idea what is going on. i sent him out there to check the oil in the truck, and the air in the tires, we ended up arguing then, because once again, he has mislaid the pressure gauge, and he went on a funk rage, about how we cant afford to go any damn where any damn way, blah blah blah. youd think he could see what ive been doing. lets see, i made up both the bunk beds. i removed all pointy shit from that room. i put the seats back up in the truck. i sent him to check oil and tires. hes totally missing it, and i love it. he was so down after he called her, i told her to make like the kids werent coming. and she did a good job, but she called me right afterward and said, oh god, please tell him, he sounded so sad. psht. no way. ill ride this wave to the end!

and no charles, im not letting anyone walk all over me. i cant let our bullshit stand in the way of these kids seeing their father. ive been the parent who couldnt afford to make the trip. and i know these kids are excited to be coming, which is a change, so id rather not **** them up emotionally any more than has already been done. and at the risk of sounding like an egotistical bitch, right now, for this minute, it feels good to be saving the day.