well i went and took care of my stuff i needed to do this morning. cecelia did accompany me, but only as long as i felt i could stand it. i opted to do a few things i wont be able to do once the trucks gone, like take the dog in for her rabies, which was due anyway. next week kent will be the gopher.
i woke up feeling very dry, from the tears. my eyes looked horrible, not that i care, but everybody and their brother commented on it. kent dicked around and didnt empty the gas yet, he will do that tomorrow morning, and then the truck is on its way.
beyond the dragging cece around stuff, which wasnt bad, i just really wanted to be alone; i felt a certain amount of lift off my shoulders. my gut said to let it go back, and now my gut is rewarding me with the most calm ive felt in a LONG time. connies bike sold today, finally too. so she made $15, and shes happy with that. so all the stuff for sale, has sold. as i said, the calm feeling is phenomenal. ive felt lighthearted, which is a huge change. ive spent the better part of today on my phone, while doing all the stuff i needed to do. my phone rang off the hook, all day, even after i changed the number. in a way i am dreading the lack of transportation, but after kent has to drag his butt out and take connie to the beach a few times, he will maybe be motivated to do something about it. he could, very easily. that second job conversation hasnt come up, but i suspect it will again.
im thinking that after next weeks paycheck, i will have him call the people who garnished him and see if they can stop for hardship reasons, because by then the original debt will be satisfied, with a little extra. i figure its worth a try. the worst they can do is say no, and keep garnishing til they get the full amount.
and its trying to storm so ill close for now, more later maybe.
im done fighting for this truck. maybe it is the universe's will that i have no transportation. tomorrow morning my husband will be draining the gas from it (i did, after all, just fill the POS up) while i take all my crap out. ill cancel the insurance on it, and just deal with the after effects. ill get it all emptied and then i will call mercurichrome or whatever the hell her name is and tell her to come get the truck.
my daughter is slowly becoming ever more traumatized by all this physical loss. as much as i dont want her to be materialistic, i also dont want her to feel the pain that i feel of losing something i worked hard to obtain. but i cant fight this anymore, it is taking too much away from me, from my spirit. i am no good at mothering when i am stressing about every damned dime. i am also going to change my phone number, to alleviate other stressful calls i am still receiving. if you want the new number, youll have to ask for it.
what set me on this path? their alleged 'legal' dept called me back, after i refused to hold any longer for her on a transfer. she left a message demanding that i call her back by 8pm. am i a child? am i her child? nope and hell no. did i call her back? nope. i was too busy having a sobfest for myself. i was too busy freaking out about all thats happened to me in the last 9 months and wishing i could close my eyes and have it all go away. these 2 things i am changing tomorrow morning are going to help me gain a sense of sanity, where there currently is none.
my daughter will now not see the sand unless her daddy puts her on the back of his bike and takes her there. i cant make that walk. we wont be going anywhere now, and kent will do all the grocery shopping and hope like hell he can figure out how to bring stuff home on the bike.
i must make him deal with this, and that is part of it. if he is inconvenienced he moves. other wise, hes a sloth. i have learned something about this man.
i will remind him tomorrow, gently, that this is now his ball to play. the court is his, the ball is his, and if hes lucky he will still have a team (me and connie) when its all overwith.
looking at the lies he put out there and the deception that went on here with him, im living his karma. all i can do is support him, he is after all, the man i love. however dumb and misguided. hell for all i know, he may have beginning alzheimers. but i cant fix this. i never could. i realized earlier, after pouring my frustrations out in here in my office on my keyboard, i have spent the last year trying to fix this. when we drove that truck off the lot last year i knew in my gut that it was bad bad bad. and i let it go. i pushed past it and now it is pushing back.
when i sat here after apologizing to connie for sobbing uncontrollably, and explained that i just needed to be alone for a while; i got quiet, and i asked, what do you want me to do? i listened to my own breathing, and the hum that lays low in my home, and heard, give up.
so thats what im doing. im giving up. which cant be all that bad. ive certainly given up before. and it wasnt so bad. in fact, it yielded great results at a different stage of my life.
i cant continue to make it work. i am more fragile than i appear. i spoke with kent about the truck payment, he left them a message that we would make the payment in full next friday. 7 big old days. now shes telling me if i cant produce the 425 by saturday, the day after tomorrow, they are taking the truck. im 2 weeks late. next friday will be 3 weeks late. i am so tired of this dance i do with these ****ing people. so. tired. of. it.
i HAVE to pay 100 on one bill tomorrow. i HAVE to pay my water bill tomorrow, or they cut it off. i have TWO pawns to pay on or we lose kents tools. i NEED stuff. like IMPORTANT stuff, tampons, contact solution, hamburger. nobody ****ing cares. they just want their ****ing money.
i want to slap my husband silly for this ****ing truck. he HAD to have a ****ing truck. he HAD to have all the shit we are paying for now. i should shove the keys up his ass and make the repo man search for them. i dont want to let them take it, because then we will still have to pay them and have NO truck.
i am going to have a damn heart attack. my chest is hurting so bad right now, all i can do is cry. i sold off all my prized possessions to cure this shit and then we get slapped with this stupid garnishment, and instead of being 1200 bucks ahead, we are now further behind.
all i can think is why does this stuff keep happening to us? we never get a break, ever. EVER. good stuff never happens to us. NEVER. miracles come and they are tiny, everyday miracles. but we climb to the top of the manure pile and out comes another fat terd. seriously.
ive been trying to have faith, but how realistic is that? im a realist, damn it. i need tangible miracles, not a rainbow after a rainshower. we are good people, we do for others, without limits. we give as much as we can. we dont bother anybody, we are kind, and polite and take care of the earth, why do we keep getting shit on?
i just cant take anymore. i really cant. the pushier people get with me the harder i push back, and when im backed into a corner, i cannot control my anger. if they come to get this truck i will take a sledgehammer to the bitch before they get it out of my driveway, just because I CAN. i cannot manufacture money, and im not robbing anyone to get it. i just dont know what to do. throw my hands up and let everything go? let them take my truck and then later THEYLL garnish my husbands wages for their money? let the pawn shop have everything we own of any value? wonder how theyd like it if i cant buy tampons and i go down there and take them their stupid money and then sit on their leather chair and bleed all over the damn thing? theres a thought.
where is my family? used to be i had a family, a big one. theyd do for me and id do for them. id still do for them, there is one in particular id have to be convinced, but eventually id do for them too.
but my big question is what karma is this? what kind of karma is this? radiate good and it will reflect back to you. uh..riiiiiight. doesnt feel that way right now. right now i have radiated so much damned good karma that ive burned myself apparently.
Gah. Today my washer blew its drain pump, I was sure something was caught in
it, the way it sounded. Once kent opened everything up and removed the
offending part, yeah something was caught in it alright, its own impeller was
caught in it. Grrr. Always something, I tell ya. More money I don’t have, and
its tough to not have a washer. I put kent in charge of phoning certain
bizzotches and telling them they have to wait another week for their money. His
check was absolutely disgusting too. The man is working 7 days a week. Immigrants
made more. He’s a little less than half paid on this garnishment, and I again
told him he needed to grow balls and piss off crusty, so that the girl will
send him money. I also emailed her the chart showing how much hes paid and made
sure I included the data that shows shes paid none.
I encouraged him to just be ruthless, as she would if it was her money being
taken for his debt. right now im wishing we hadn’t let her get away with not
paying the back child support she owed him, and im wondering if we will ever be
ok. We cant get recovered from one problem without another one showing up.
Today felt as though everyone was against me. Every time I would try to
accomplish a task, someone or something would beckon me and there would be no
making anyone wait. Robin had me help her move some furniture around, and I couldn’t
say no, after all she let me run my load of wash through a spin cycle in her
washer. And connies schoolwork was interrupted by the washer flipping out, and
then 25 gallons flooding across my kitchen.
On the flip side, I got the opportunity to see that my washer isn’t as
cheaply made as I once thought. I am a diehard maytag fan, and these aint no
maytags! We bought what we could get, not what we wanted, and I was sure that
they wouldn’t last this long. Kent tells me the washer mechanics/motor is of excellent shape and quality, I trust
that opinion, since the government trusts him with the same type of equipment. I figured the belt would be the first thing to
go.
I also got to clean up parts of my washer I never knew got nasty. Ew. I don’t
use the bleach dispenser, never have, but I will now, cause it gets caked with
the dirt and I will need to keep it clean now that I scraped the gunk out of
it. I also got back the stuff that has fallen in between my counter and the
washer, and kent will be fixing it so that the gap will not be there, once the
washer is repaired.
Luckily I found the part easily, have to wait about a week for it, but id
rather do that than pay 30 dollars more (that I still don’t have) to buy it
locally.
He cut my copper tubing up (the line I found under the siding of my house
that went nowhere) so I can make garden windy’s with it. I’ll be working on
those later tonight. I wanted to head to the sand today, but that got
sidetracked.
I took a load up to cece’s and used her washer, we didn’t stay any more than
we needed to, her hubby came home and air got very heavy in her house, I felt a
need to escape. She has yet to convince me that she does all she can for him. They
have to eliminate all the hostility between them and I cant help with that.
I thought my sister was stopping through today, she has been with the rest
of my family this week, there was a death in my family this past weekend. She hasn’t
called again, she may not be heading home yet. Maybe tomorrow!
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Onyx joining our family. She’s
been a good dog, and you wouldn’t know she hasn’t been here all along. Best choice
I ever made. She’s a smart lab and I cant bring myself to spay her, I want some
puppies from this gene pool!
Tomorrow cece wants me to ride with her, with her taking me everywhere I need
to go. I am not looking forward to this. Honestly. I plan on getting up early
and going to the bank, getting my money and going off to do my own thing, all
by myself. I don’t get much alone time, if any. And last week, when I took kent
with me, I found myself forgetting what I was doing and in the end screwing
myself out of pocket change. I like to make an itinerary and stick to it, and
this week I think I will go and do all I need to, she can take me to lunch if
she wants, but I need to be alone to get my work done.
we went on a field trip today, to the farm. we have a farm here, alongside the bustling interstate, where, aside from the hum of traffic doing 75, it is quite a peaceful area. sort of a petting zoo, meets wildlife refuge. rabbits, deer, ducks, geese, pig, cow, horse, donkey, burro, rabbits, you get the picture. its free. easy field trip if i can refrain from letting connie focus on the included playground. today she asked, i said no, and we left it at that. it was a good time. i intentionally left my phone in the truck, then kicked myself, when the peahens began following us. kent spent his pocket change so that connie could watch him feed the chickens, their pecking surprised her and she inadvertently spilled her handful on the ground to be quickly gobbled by the peahens. never glimpsed the peacock, he must have been lurking im sure. watched the gobbler trying to woo his lady turkeys, bless his heart, hes missing so many tailfeathers, he looks like he narrowly missed being thanksgiving day dinner! we weaved in and around the whole farm. exploring parts weve missed before. spoke with the master gardeners in the botanical garden, found out about a sale in september, for which we will definitely be returning! i lamented that they have so much harvest going to waste, dying on the vines, i wondered aloud if they donate any of their harvest to the local food bank, i will inquire another day, in earnest; no one seemed to hear my query.
it was serene, we also ventured around the trail and found a very old cemetery, some tombstones were so old time had worn away the dates so that you couldnt even make them out! probably civil war era. we witnessed them releasing a donated pet rabbit into their already hearty population, she was chased for a bit, and then they all settled down. kent was worried about rain, but it wasnt hot, about 75, and overcast so we didnt feel oppressed by the sun or heat. i found myself drawn to the cow they have, just one. shes beautiful, a golden brown. and looks heavy, like with calf. she was ignoring me, going to town on her salt block, and i said cmere, baby, next thing ya know, she just went from slow mosey to near stampede and hoofed it straight to the fence, and let me rub her neck and ears for the longest time. i moved on to the horse and had the same thing happen. my hand was black afterward! the pig was caught napping, and drooling. we even went into the information barn which houses lots of antique equipment and told connie what everything was, she wasnt too interested, i would find while in there, that she had worn a blister on her heel and couldnt seem to concentrate on anything else. she got to see her bobcat, and then we headed home.
not a bad trip at all. kent usually balks, but i forgot that he hadnt been there before, and he really seemed to enjoy it. cant wait to see what kind of goodies we can get at their plant sale. and we are now thinking about using some of their free manure to mix in for our raised beds. all the manure you can use, and then some. free. thats hard to pass up!
we hadnt been home long and cece came by. i had sidetracked her for awhile, we did a reading while she was here, and it basically said the same thing ive been saying to her, that shes holding onto stuff in hopes that it will fill a void in her soul. i helped her with a job prospect, the rest is up to her. she cant make up her mind in a number of areas of her life, and maybe if she could focus on herself and get that straightened out, then the rest would follow. that reminds me i need to light my candle for her tonight.
im taking my own leap of faith later tonight, and trying to reach someone i love. an olive branch, if you will.
but for now, im off to make a cake, and annoy my child with the allcomedy network.
